how much I tried to control myself, and hold back myself from just letting it all go. how much I tried to make my mouth taste sweet. but it just all fails; because I realized something that has been staring at my face. something that actually I believe in, but got critized and slapped at, and now I'm forced to adopt an abandoned plan. I feel really confused and stupid, idiotic.

because friendships are not planned. they're not like instruction manuals to be followed. they are natural, coming from two or more people and feelings incited will eventually come, but at a natural pace. no one can write up a plan of friendship and expect the outcome which they want. because if not then the entire process is just one big fat bullshit lie and drama where feelings are as dry as the Atacama Desert. and I mean, I can't buy like extra years into friendship right?
in summary :

1. friendships are naturally occuring.
2. they can't be lenghtened more than they already are (though it can be cut)
3. they can't be rushed - I can't expect someone whom I just know for 2 days to be my super close friend after that.
4. a lot of sacrifices are made, a lot of pent-up, in depth, honest feelings are put into it. a whole lot of strength and energy is added to maintain it.
5. don't EVER expect to replace someone in that friend's life. for example, there's this person(I call 14) who is really good friends with someone (call that person 56.) then, I recently came to know 14. then I want her to be my super best close friend in my life, have the same position as 56. of course 56 will feel left out right?

when I said that there were lemons, it meant that something sour had happened. and I'm really very tired to explain what happened and I'm sure nobody would bother.

I GIVE UP.
I'm fighting to get my L1R5 in O Levels.
but, I've already pledged myself to not go any further in this one path that looks really clear cut for me. I'm going to help shape other paths first.
impassively mum and stone.
I will not allow myself to hurt others again for the sake of my dreams. I'm going to crush some of the principles that I live with and make new ones. I'm willing to just let myself be exposed to the four elements simply to see someone get a little more satisfaction for themselves. not that that person hates me, but I feel that I am giving her this bag of unnecessary pain and I don't want to. (not directing this to anyone, honestly.)
I have to try to fly away, run, before the storm.