stupid me, why did I do this. ~slaps head~
I'm just too full of myself, obsessed with one thing that I know I can't get no matter what.
so why in the entire world am I trying so, so hard to achieve an aim that I know I won't get there? why?
it's just plain dumb.
if I know that I can't get to the finishing line, why must I try? there are so many incidents where I've tried to get there, but it's really epic fail. and everytime this happens, I fall into that path, I cry my lungs out, I get a headache, I curse myself.
I'm really tired of fighting a losing battle. think I should restrain myself, and control myself. I'd better, before I make a fool of myself again... in front of someone that I don't want to.
curse me.
I can never get something, that something that one. or rather;
when I see that thing, my heart just yearns for that thing to be mine, maybe not forever, but for a long time maybe. because I know, that thing can't last, but I still want it. it's so precious, meaningful and has brought so much joy into my life. and I really love it, I really want it. but someone has already owned that thing, and all I have to do is stare at the window looking at that thing. which is so close, yet so far.
yet I must go away, I must leave that thing behind my sight, I must not look at it.
even though it takes a battle just to do one simple thing, I have no choice but to do it.
I'm just sick and tired of fighting the same thing again, I cry almost every single day because of it. and NO, it is NOT O Levels. I really want that thing but fate has pushed me out, I can't go against the laws of nature and fight back. I give up.
I wish I could just tell someone, that I'm really sick, I'm really tired of fighting this daily battle everyday and carrying this burden every day-I don't want. but I don't want to disturb anyone else who's concentrating on more important things that personal feelings.
so I shall be sick, and ill with this disease and carry on. even though it means literally eating myself up just to say sane. though I can't handle it, I have to unfortunately. maybe when the time comes, just maybe, I hope to see that thing and have it in my hands.
but wait.
I actually had that hope, I really did. but there was a friend of mine, who said words that completely, just... I don't know. it was the truth really. that I should concentrate, and leave that thing alone. so there I was, crying and crying because, that friend is actually the owner of the thing that I want. why, why can't I stare at it? it got me an emotional shock that I just got really tired on that day and emotionally drained. just really fatigueed. those are warning signals and yet I didn't follow.
curse me.
it's said that everyone walks alone on this path. I must say, it's true. there is a solution within me, and I can only pray and hope that it would come. because I emphasize again,
I'm really sick and tired. I give up trying to chase a thing that I will DEFINITELY not get.
so WHY do I still do the same thing again, and again? why am I just too clouded to see the truth? "oh wretched mortals, open your eyes!"

this all is actually just a simple thing that everyone has gone through their life. really. but I can't say it out loud but mask it behind stringy words and utter nonsensical blabber. and to write something really really long about it, is very rare. but it gives a few clues. one is that, it really takes up a lot of my life. I repeat, NOT O Levels. second is that, there is a deep meaning. and behind this mask I wear every single time I see that thing, when I walk by...
it's just the utter sadness, c'est vraiment triste, that I can't have that thing.