I locked the door
and reflected
because
the wound was still fresh
even though it happened a long time ago.

that's why
to this day
I still regret.

today I watched NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2 with xue ming and her brother, hui sian and hwee hoon. fairuz couldn't make it cause she got religious class. aw man. never mind next time I see you I go tell the whole story to you.

it was EXTREMELY FUNNY. the popcorn did a very bad of trying to fix my gum problem which STILL HASN'T GONE AWAY since I watched Angels and Demons with priyanka and the others - meaning that the popcorn made the problem worse and one side of my mouth hurting now. ): but it was an interesting movie! thanks to it and hwee hoon now I know a few more digits of Pi wich is 3.141592654. actually there are more than 1 million digits.

like.
3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751
058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679
821480865132823066470938446095505822317253594081284
811174502841027019385211055596446229489549303819644
288109756659334461284756482337867831652712019091456
485669234603486104543266482133936072602491412737245
870066063155881748815209209628292540917153643678925
903600113305305488204665213841469519415116094330572
70365759591953092186117381932611793105118548074
46237996274956735188575272489122793818301194912...
oh and that's not the end of it also: http://www.exploratorium.edu/pi/Pi10-6.html

after that hwee hoon had to go home so left hui sian, xue ming and her brother and me. so we went to action city and I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to buy something for a special friend of mine (hint: YES WE CAN) but then friendships are NEVER materialistic, they are gained through time and it's not like a one day strangers next day friends like as if we've known each other for YEARS. and saw all the adorable stuff. like the stick-your-finger-play-thing and the one thousand one hundred collectibles. then we went to the dinosaur fair at the first level and tried finding for any fossil but didn't lah huh.

"What does a herbivore eat?"
then I told hui sian "FISH."
but I had fun today (:

ON A SIDE NOTE, HAPPY 15TH BIRTHDAY JESVINDER!

I have learnt so many lessons throughout my secondary 3 life.
through experiences, most of them bitter. but,
thank you;

I WANT THE CUP STACKING CUPS, THE 12 CUP SET.
anyone has it or sell it?

the fact that I was treated as a good friend
is enough to make me have the strength to smile at least.

I told fairuz that I ou someone. but she haven't know who is it! if I tell she will be SHOCKED, I can bet it. but you're guilty too cause you ou someone also! I want to announce to the whole wide world who you're ou-ing but secrets and meant to be secrets aye (:

MT
Chemistry
English I nearly cried on paper 1.
Physics
SS/Hist
E Math
A Math
Pure Geo

4 down, right now. Physics was surprisingly, something that I could do. especially the last question, but not sure if I got the correct answers though. thanks to the 3M friend whom I studied Physics because I only found out that velocity=frequency x lamda. I FORGOT TO BRING MY WATER BOTTLE IN of all things and I was thirsty for the entire exam. somemore the fan had a direct path towards me WHICH WAS GOOD OF COURSE but made dry lips too. I mugged Physics after English Paper 1 with the 3M friends and the same thing after English Paper 2 with Fairuz while eating my macaroni (:

as for English...well the compo for Section 1 nearly made my cry. not because I wanted to give up but because I wrote about something that made me very depressed at one time. the lose control of your emotions thing. and I made the whole thing into a letter! ingenious eh. something about: screaming, destroyed artwork, dictionaries. eh that's like tags. cool.

guess what's playing now in my head, That's What You Get by Paramore.

oh and that reminds me, I HAVE TO REPLY YU JIE, SARAH TAN, TAYLOR AND SOMEONE ELSE THAT NOW I'VE FORGOTTEN's LETTERS.

I curse alot during exams, I can bet. stuff like ________, _______________________, ______ _______ ___________,...etc. and my ruler always disappears during exams, Idk why. in the end it will be under some random exam paper page.

I shall officially be called MS TICKLE because I just LOVE TO POKE POKE HWEE HOON. haha and valerie always ask me to do somemore! with pleasure.

that's what you get when you let your heart in, whoa.

oh I shall go and watch the SCTV Music Awards celebration now. la la-s.

locked in a glass prison.
2 subjects down.
so...
Mother Tongue
Chemistry EMPIRICAL FORMULAE D:
English
Physics
SS/Hist
E Maths
A Maths
Pure Geo

technically, it's 3 papers down. you know what, for the first time I could do karangan properly without halfway thinking of how to say this and that and in the end I only had 45 seconds to write the last sentence. but it was 2 pages long, longer than what I've written for past MT exams before. and Chemistry was like bleh, don't even talk to me about it.

I had to carry an orange box full of books and worksheets and dictionaries and notebooks and storybooks. QUITE heavy ):

I stare blankly at the physics notes and all the questions, skim through. wow, all that mr yau taught is practically STUCK in my head and all you need is to just revise through to refresh your memory. except for kinematics and mechanics because that was taught by another teacher and speaking of that it reminds me of something that I'd wished would last longer because I really treasured all those moments.

you know, everytime I go to class, I sit at my place and keep quiet, watching the others talking about this, that/ while I wait silently for my tp if not fairuz would come in and we'd talk about stuff, sometimes with hwee hoon, riffana and xue ming. sometimes I wonder, in term 2, I was often out of the circle. there was one time I thought it was because I was shoved off from the circle. another reason might be because my actions lead me to do so. another reason can be because my actions were seen by a person and she told someone then that someone loathes me and tells her friends and they loathe me and all goes a chain reaction.

half the time I was thinking about death and all it's friends.

well, guess I should start sitting up, pasrah about everything. this is my fate now and unless destiny can be changed it would be a miracle. yesterday I cried from religious class because of this, and Saat Terakhir started playing in my mind. guess all that's happened, happened for a reason. wait wait...ah here, in Malay there is an idiom that goes "seperti melukut di tepi gantang, keluar tidak mengurangi, masuk tidak memenuhi." it means, someone that is not important to other people and not useful to the society, or in other words he/she is of no use.

hey, get well FAIRUZ ):
dang I miss you today.

and thank you Vidhya (: I never knew that you would do that for me. took me a LONG time to figure it out eh. my inferential skills not that good (: it was really nice of you!

to sabrina and fairuz, thanks for suggesting it. ESPECIALLY SABRINA! man, it was almost going to be "blown by the wind". and get well soon fairuz, you can finish all my strepsils for all I care (:

oh this actually happened some time ago, (actually yesterday LOL.) madame tse was sick during french class and the five of us( priyanka me kaushi nathalie and uyen) made a get well soon card IN FRENCH (: haha and we cut pictures from my spare teens magazine. there was this nice care bears page where there was pictures of care bears all over which I liked. then since all of us finished oral at that time (with exception of nathalie), we mugged for chemistry and physics.

"I thought acids technically have Hydrogen ions and oxygen ions?"
"Huh?"
"I thought technically acids have hydrogen ions and oxygen ions?"
"oh really? uh I don't know..."
"how come?"
"oh the teacher never teach us yet."
random question.

oh and CELINA WENT TO MY SCHOOL TO SELL FLOWERS! and when I saw her during recess we said "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" haha I didn't know she was in JC already lol. I bought 5 flowers and gave 4 to charlotte because I owe her one too(: the one left I kept for myself.

MOTHER TONGUE AND CHEMISTRY D:
and those things remind me of a nice friend.

NIZA'S HEAD PREFECT :D :D
and I feel indebted to her.

SPASTIC.
haha, thanks to eveline (: LOL.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HWEE HOON (:

the uber nice LAB PARTNER.

enjoy your donutss okay. haha I know! breakfast you take one. lunch, dinner. 4 gone away. then next day, breakfast, lunch, dinner. the one left, uh..BRING TO SCHOOL!
see I solved it. (wipes both hands.) and NO TOENAILS! yuck.

sunday I went to help out with the posters again, this time they needed colouring. haha you know the petals took a short time man. that was because I came LATE. and they are DONE :D oh and my mum managed to wash off the white paint on my madrasah trousers.

I had SO MUCH FUN taking unglam pictures of people. best is, they don't even realize it.

and I am tired of pulling you back here. I have to let you go now.
life moves on and everyone experiences changes; so people can't be forced to change for the sake of someone, for example myself. this whole world's not a puppet show where I'm in charge of the strings but this whole world is full of people full of emotions full of complicated things which I'm not allowed to see.

in fact, I don't even have the business to see them.

NO BOUNDARIES (this was written by Kara for Adam and Kris in the grand finals.)

Seconds hours so many days
You know what you want but how long can you wait
Every moment last forever if you feel you’ve lost your way
What if your chances are already gone
Started believing that I could be wrong
But you give me one good reason
to fight and never walk away

Cause hear I am — still holding on!

Every step you climb another mountain
Every breathe its harder to believe

You’ll make it through the pain (or through all your aches and pains)
Weather the hurricane
To get to that one thing

When you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you’ve almost gave up on your dreams
Then take it by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher
You can go deeper
There are no boundaries
Above and beneath you
Break every rule cause there’s nothing between you
and your dreams

Every step you climb another mountain
Every breathe its harder to believe

I'm very hungry now. I think I'll get a Kit Kat. eh, no Kit Kat left ): but I ALWAYS eat that before I sleep. oh no, I shall do with something else. CHEESE :D
okay hm, I really really want to talk to Fairuz but I couldn't find her :/ on the bright side, Ying Chao went back home with me!

if there was a cloth nearby, I can just bind my eyes.
they hurt alot;

and today I took panadols. there was a bad headache I think from recess and it didn't cure until now. haha I don't know why I so stubborn still go on computer. when I'm suppose to STUDY! STUDY STUDY STUDY.

done.
eh that's my last time url. before I changed it to projectneonlights.

french controle 2 was better than controle 1 but the listening comprehension, it was worst. and I screwed up my oral but thanks to my professeur because she gave me help. haha, merci beaucoup (:

I felt down today. no, monday was worse, because on monday I put on a blank face. I don't know what to do already. hm well, no difference with or without me eh. when I step it, everything becomes quiet. when I turn my back, noise and noise. should I tell this to someone; apparently I told some people, even to the brink of crying it down, and sadly, they all agree. I'm stuck in this position, :/ just because of my stupid attitude. so I learnt something new today and on Monday, next time just keep quiet. if I'm talkative, be quite for a change. even better, bind my mouth with staples.

there was a group of fresh green leaves on a plant. some turned yellow, some turned brown and fall off. some stay fresh green and continue to make food for the plant. as for the brown leaves...well they just stay there right. at the bottom of the plant. some, although turned brown, refused to let go and tried to hang on to the branch. some, turned brown, miraculously saved by the green leaves, turn green again. some, turned yellow, would love to be brown as soon as possible. some, in the process of turning yellow, yada yada-ed their way through.

P.S. thank you YING CHAO for remembering (: and to XIN YI also (:
P.P.S. come to think of it I have to reply yu jie's letter and wait for replies from...4 more letters.
P.P.P.S. BIBI IS FROM TOPAZ!

ever since I've climbed up,
I've faced tougher challenges.
but I didn't want this ending. I imagined a nicer ending.
but I have to keep quiet about it.

I went to help out Y2A in painting the banners on Sunday before madrasah with white as a base coat but I got madrasah. and my pants had paint, damn. but it was fun and if we put the colours in I think it'll look nice (:

after all this, I finally know what people thought of me. sad to say, they weren't very good.

I want to talk to Roberto again. after 1 year, he still remembers me lol. and wished me a belated birthday (:
________________________________________________________________

Please don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.

I give you the impression I'm secure and that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name, coolness my game, that water is calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me, please don't believe me.

My surface may be smooth, but my surface is a mask--my every varying and ever concealing mask. Beneath it dwells the real confusion, fear and aloneness. Beneath lies my smugness, my complacently, but I hide this--I don't want anyone to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically created a mask to hide behind-- nonchalant sophisticated facades to help me pretend-- to shield me from the glance that knows-- but such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love, it's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self built prison walls and from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself, that I'm really worth while, but I don't tell you this, I don't dare--I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me and you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down, I'm nothing and that I'm just no good and that you'll see this and reject me.

So I play my game; my desperate pretending; with the facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks, the glittering, but empty parade of masks and my life becomes a front. I idle chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing and nothing of what's everything and what's crying within me.

So when I'm through going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying--what I'd like to be able to say, but for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.

I dislike hiding, honestly, I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the superficial phony game. I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me, you've got to hold out your hand, even when it's the last thing I seem to want or need.

You can help wipe away from my eyes--the blank stare of grieving dead. You can help call me into aliveness each time you're kind, gentle and encouraging. Each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings.

Iif you choose to, please choose to. You can help break down the wall behind which I tremble. You can encourage me to remove my mask. You can help release me from my shadowed world of panic and uncertainty. From my lonely prison.

So do not pass me by-- please don't pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A lone conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back.

It's irrational, but despite what books say about man, I am irrational, I fight against the very things that I cry out for, but I am told love is stronger than strong walls. In this lies my hope, my only hope, please help beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands--for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every women you meet.

ORIGINAL VERSION. (since I like both.)

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

and when I read it;
something clicked. maybe people will understand-because I used to be like this. in fact I have a MILLION masks. I lie to myself at times because of that, trying to blend the mask into my true self. sometimes it works, others-it doesn't.

I built my own prison with my own hands;
with lots of bruises,
while the confunded thing is that, I myself feel fear in this prison of mine.

come to think of it, today I watched ANGELS AND DEMONS with Anita, Priyanka and her sis. krittika couldn't come because she had school. aww man:/ but it was fun (: especially the NONSTOP STORY that anita told with priyanka while her sis and I couldn't stop giggling. stupid popcorn hurt my gums. and I think something's wrong with the lemon tea or nachos because I had a slight stomachache after that.

they really twisted the ending. robert langdon was suppose to be the one who threw the canister into the sea, not the camerlengo. and there wasn't even kohler man. somemore they change the characters but I guess it's to protect the author and the book.

a thousand things is floating through my mind now.the y2a banner, friends, past friends, friendship problems, squadmates and the many experiences before, the colour green, What I've Done by Linkin Park, the IMA awards on the TV now, this blog, MSN messenger, piano, studies, factor theorem, black and yellowish-grey flowers, stupid french oral, guilt, seven deadly dins, ANTM cycle 12, how on earth did I manage to fit into my small flats, shoes, the brother printer, school canteen. those are random thoughts.

hm, who would have thought that much could pass by.
like ants (:

tak pernah terpikir olehku
tak sedikitpun kubayangkan
kau akan pergi tingalkan ku sendiri

begitu sulit kubayangkan
begitu sakit kurasakan
kau akan pergi tingalkanku sendiri

dibawah batu nisan kini kau tlah sandarkan
kasih sayang kamu …… begitu dalam
sungguh ku tak sanggup ini terjadi
karna ku sangat cinta

inilah saat terakhirku melihat kamu
jatuh air mataku menangis pilu
hanya mampu ucapkan
selamat jalan kasih

satu jam saja kutelah bisa
cintai kamu,kamu,kamu dihatiku
namun bagiku melupakanmu butuh waktuku seumur hidup

satu jam saja kutelah bisa
sayangi kamu dihatiku
namun bagiku me/lupakanmu butuh waktuku seumur hidup
dinantiku

inilah saat terakhirku melihat kamu
jatuh air mataku menangis pilu
hanya mampu ucapkan
selamat jalan kasih

I dedicate this, not to any guy (I'M DARN SINGLE.).
but to a friend, who taught me many things last time,
and all because of one stupid action,
things has well, been roughy and hostile between us. okay, I want to say sorry to you. I did actually, but I think I won't be forgiven.

and I regret it like ****.

I give up, on trying to be anything.
I give up today
felt hard to even breathe.
I looked at all the glass windows of the school,
high places, especially the 4th floor.
at times I wonder if
things are just there for the sake of being there.
or maybe
things are just there to mask other things.

I give up on trying to be a person,
living and breathing.
it seems,
there's no difference without me anywhere.
I really want to feel the spirit,
be someone.
but sometimes, I tried so hard....

no answer.

when I walk
I stare at the sky
jealous
of birds that can actually fly,
of aeroplanes that soar up high,
of angels that carry a thousand wings,
of dreams that go way up.

I watched others becoming something
they desire
they really want
but I stared and wondered
how come I wasn't there.
maybe it's time that I do really wasn't good enough.

sometimes, in fact
everyday
I cry for the same reason.
why,I don't know why.
I was taught that I should control my emotions
but this is like a heavy burden.
I want to blurt it out
to the counsellor,
to a listening ear.

a thousand and one things, I said to a someone.
and those things really break my heart.
why, let me see
something so closely together,
crumble into many pieces,
in front of my eyes.
why let me see all the gaps.
Yu Jie and Hwee Hoon gave me birthday letters and thank you (: especially yu jie's. longg! and very funny also haha (: I agree with you. sometimes when you feel alone, there are a special group of people that will always be there.

Charlotte sent me a happy birthday sms the day before yesterday, around 11.50pm and asked me to read at 12 but in the end I read 10 minutes earlier (: hey, and thanks for whatever you told me yesterday online. then Fazillah, the next morning and wait, Alex, Sabrina, a whole lot of people. but best of all was my mum, she gave me A BRAND NEW ACCOUSTIC GUITAR! :D thank you! priyanka gave me a nice mug (which I didn't shatter in the end) and Hwee Hoon gave me the white bear [Mr Bean, konon (: ].
on the special day
I don't know why I cried.
not because few people remembered. ( quite a number, in fact.)
maybe it's because when I was in,
it was dead silence.
I could hear a pin drop.
on the special day
I was sad for the first time.
going through all this,
is this a test? an ujian?

I'll keep quiet now.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY DEBBIE, on 03/05/09. I TAGGED ON YOUR TAGBOARD ALREADYY (: and really really sorry for not giving you a birthday present!

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TSU YI, on 07/05/09. haha I know my tshirt is DAMN plain but I hope you like it! I remember around 6 days ago you went to the bookshop finding a birthday present for your sister! hope she likes it (: and HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY JOY. on 07/05/09! jiayou for hpcn! yeah, JIAYOU. (: haha may is a nice month, don't you think so?

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY KAUSHALYA, on 08/05/09! HAHA OMG you're my french table partner and you constantly remind me to remember your birthday! okay I did now, but that was after reading Joy's blog, PAISEH! SORRY! jiayou for French oral!

and HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY SAMANTHA, on 09/05/09. hey, nice date (: I mean THE date, not THE date. haha, if you read this now it looks like there's no difference HAHA. (: and hope you like the 5 minutes card I made online!

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY MEIHUI, on 09/05/09 also. haha, nice date also! and LONG TIME NO SEE yeah. see you on teacher's day, that is if you DO come.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY VERONICA, on 10/05/09. HAHA remember I saw you during my piano theory exam? and that was the last I saw you D: see you on teacher's day also!

and HAPPY BIRTHDAY FAZILLAH! on 11/05/09. HAVE A VERY VERY NICE and HAPPY and ENJOYING birthday! kat holiday somemore man, damn lucky. haha I couldn't give you any present sorry ):

â–º Ready Or Not Monday, May 11, 2009 / 0 LOLLIPOPS

V's speech
Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villian by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengence; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

try saying that.

so sleep alone tonight.

all I can say is, I'm very proud of us, the 23 of us. THE twenty three. from young sec1 girls trying to fit in into the new school, blossoming into mature young women taking up big responsibilities.
facing challenges.
and through it all, putting the very best in everything that we do.

I love florescent's blogskins. they are colourful and really fits those that can never chose what favourite colour they want.eh that's just repeating the point. haha (:

I saw fairuz at the end of POP. and she had a big,BIG SMILE. it's good to know that you're cheering up now girl. smile more okay?

why is it so hard to find something good in myself.
my fate, I guess.

apparently I'm supposed to be sleeping but very lazy to go sleep. so I shall stay up for the time being until I bore myself with this blog post.

I think it's so ironic to say you like someone on the side but in the real life you actually dislike that person. well, maybe it's called moodswings.

I'M DONE WITH THE MINI T-SHIRTS.

oh yup, thanks HWEE HOON for the compliment (: . ANITA, for being NOT blur for the first time. NIZA for having the courage (even though that was a LONG time ago), SQUADMATES for everything, FAIRUZ, ASHIKIN and SABRINA for being such super awesome friends.

and the list goes on.

oh, the colour cycle continues. let's start from red again. lalala. oh man, it's TODAY. technically.

and I shall go to sleep. goodbye.


senja kini berganti malam
menutup hari yang lelah
dimanakah engkau berada
aku tak tahu dimana

pernah kita lalui semua
jerit, tangis, canda, tawa
kini hanya untaian kata
hanya itulah yg aku punya

tidurlah selamat malam
lupakan sajalah aku
mimpilah dalam tidurmu
bersama bintang

sesungguhnya aku tak bisa
jalani waktu tanpamu
perpisahan bukanlah duka
meski harus menyisakan luka

tidurlah selamat malam
lupakan sajalah aku
mimpilah dalam tidurmu
bersama bintang

I ALMOST MURDERED MYSELF WHEN I NEARLY STAINED NIZA'S LETTER WITH KETCHUP.

but I DIDN'T!
phew.
I kept it safely in my handphone pouch.

oh, yu jie told me something that by right I also was thinking in my mind. at least she said it before it gets too late.

BANANA and YING CHAO tried to cheer me up [eh in the end they did. aiyoh BANANA damn funny lah. something about save water (: ] Ying Chao was nice also, she gave me tissues also. THANK YOU to both of you! (: Syuhaidah gave me toblerone also, and Anisiah gave me a cheer up note (: aiyoh THANK YOU EVERYONE (: (: (: why? apparently before mother tongue I just, well, cried again. and worse, drown my sorrows in LEMON TEA. of all things, LEMON TEA.

I gave a cookie to Fairuz because I want to thank her for being a very good listening ear. and I told her something VERY SCANDALOUS. *COUGH COUGH*. I hope you enjoy it!

"friendship can't be bought. you have to make a lot of sacrifices for it, you have to gain it. you can't just be super super close friends over the next day. like, yesterday complete strangers, today bff. and friendship is NOT materialistic. you can't just buy stuff and think that the person will accept your offering. you have to show that you're really a good friend. well, maybe a little charming and melting, but not too much.

you have to wait for friendship to come. you have to wait for some time before the two people are best friends. and you can't just treat it as if just because the person is dormant doesn't mean that the person is ignoring you. it will be appropriate, since after a hectic journey, the result is what you wanted so badly initially but now it seems as though you can accept it in your daily life.

everything takes some time. so pace yourself. Bill Gates didn't take 1 day to build his multi million dollar company. and Nokia didn't take 1 day to come up with a new model. everything TAKES TIME. so you have to have patience.

FRIENDSHIP is not a thing, it's a relationship, a RESPONSIBILITY. you have to make sure that the friendship with a person is always there by always making the friend believe that you are a very good friend. if not...yeah."

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO : Jangan Pernah Pergi by Alexa and Masih Ada by Ello.

Veritas vos liberabit.
the truth shall set you free.

and through it all,
I couldn't find the strength to go on.
maybe it's just destiny that made me go this way.

why make me cry again, I have no idea.
when I knew others suffered worse than me.

sometimes I wonder.
because even though you said it,
I thought you weren't, because I thought of something else.
something opposite from what you think.

I hear the voices slowly slur,
the colours slowly melt and blur,
and I just crumbled.

CHARLOTTE told me a good piece of advice, not to be "over" over something just because you want it so badly. what I've done is more than enough! thank YOU a MILLION. I've showed you stuff meant for the surprise aye. COUGH COUGH. but I've removed the plasters now because the skin is turning white, I think next time I write on my fingers instead. THANK YOU. and it was a pleasure helping you out (:

FAIRUZ! monday I shall talk to you again. I really really want combined Mother Tongue so that I can bleh everything out to you and also to Sabrina. okay and you must tell me what happened in return. you mad me realize that beneath something so supposedly nice and perfect, there are bits and pieces of salt, bitter things, among all those sweetness. so I should not be blind and close my eyes to everything. THANK YOU.

NIZA (: (: what can I say. thank you for telling me the truth so that I can change. and I really VALUE YOU. you're such a sweet and nice person and I can think of an A-Z list of the things I can describe you. it's in my phone (: and JIAYOU ON YOUR SPEECH on friday. you see the pic on the right? and I want to clear out any misunderstandings between us..eh I think I did. HAHA. aiyoh please go online okay? I need to tell you something (:

SQUADMATES! :D all I can say is, THANK YOU. I've learnt a lot throughout the process of being one of the 23 people in our squad, loads and LOADS of stuff. each one of you is unique and I can bet each and everyone of you that you helped me, in one way or another, whether you realize it or not. it's like when all else fails, I can always go to you guys and bleh it out to at least SOMEONE.

oh yeah, to HWEE HOON also for being very very nice as a table partner's table partner. like beside beside, Idk how to describe it. everything has it's ups and downs, yeah? and yep, I remember that time when my scissors broke trying to cut the chopstick. it's okay, I've got a new one. oh and the underground business also. it's very convenient, when you want to escape from a very noisy and troublesome place, you can also be down to earth. HAHA (:

oh this reminds me of one of the previous blogskins, the colour my life one. I spend my Labour Day holidays watching TV and on the com also. SLACKK. must go and study soon. no wait, NOW. and tear away from wanting to go on the com everyday. TEAR AWAY.

'Cause I need you and I miss you
And now I wonder...

If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you
Tonight

you want to know something? everyday I go to this someone's blog 5 TIMES. idk why. someone that I linked. so there is a 1 in a hundred plus chance of you being the one.
(: