I WILL BE ON HIATUS.
until Idk. 12th? until the Os end.
I need to concentrate and focus, to get my 6 or 7 points for my L1R5.
plus, a little time off for myself and preparation.

ta.

stupid me, why did I do this. ~slaps head~
I'm just too full of myself, obsessed with one thing that I know I can't get no matter what.
so why in the entire world am I trying so, so hard to achieve an aim that I know I won't get there? why?
it's just plain dumb.
if I know that I can't get to the finishing line, why must I try? there are so many incidents where I've tried to get there, but it's really epic fail. and everytime this happens, I fall into that path, I cry my lungs out, I get a headache, I curse myself.
I'm really tired of fighting a losing battle. think I should restrain myself, and control myself. I'd better, before I make a fool of myself again... in front of someone that I don't want to.
curse me.
I can never get something, that something that one. or rather;
when I see that thing, my heart just yearns for that thing to be mine, maybe not forever, but for a long time maybe. because I know, that thing can't last, but I still want it. it's so precious, meaningful and has brought so much joy into my life. and I really love it, I really want it. but someone has already owned that thing, and all I have to do is stare at the window looking at that thing. which is so close, yet so far.
yet I must go away, I must leave that thing behind my sight, I must not look at it.
even though it takes a battle just to do one simple thing, I have no choice but to do it.
I'm just sick and tired of fighting the same thing again, I cry almost every single day because of it. and NO, it is NOT O Levels. I really want that thing but fate has pushed me out, I can't go against the laws of nature and fight back. I give up.
I wish I could just tell someone, that I'm really sick, I'm really tired of fighting this daily battle everyday and carrying this burden every day-I don't want. but I don't want to disturb anyone else who's concentrating on more important things that personal feelings.
so I shall be sick, and ill with this disease and carry on. even though it means literally eating myself up just to say sane. though I can't handle it, I have to unfortunately. maybe when the time comes, just maybe, I hope to see that thing and have it in my hands.
but wait.
I actually had that hope, I really did. but there was a friend of mine, who said words that completely, just... I don't know. it was the truth really. that I should concentrate, and leave that thing alone. so there I was, crying and crying because, that friend is actually the owner of the thing that I want. why, why can't I stare at it? it got me an emotional shock that I just got really tired on that day and emotionally drained. just really fatigueed. those are warning signals and yet I didn't follow.
curse me.
it's said that everyone walks alone on this path. I must say, it's true. there is a solution within me, and I can only pray and hope that it would come. because I emphasize again,
I'm really sick and tired. I give up trying to chase a thing that I will DEFINITELY not get.
so WHY do I still do the same thing again, and again? why am I just too clouded to see the truth? "oh wretched mortals, open your eyes!"

this all is actually just a simple thing that everyone has gone through their life. really. but I can't say it out loud but mask it behind stringy words and utter nonsensical blabber. and to write something really really long about it, is very rare. but it gives a few clues. one is that, it really takes up a lot of my life. I repeat, NOT O Levels. second is that, there is a deep meaning. and behind this mask I wear every single time I see that thing, when I walk by...
it's just the utter sadness, c'est vraiment triste, that I can't have that thing.

I don't know whether #Jonghyun will come here again. but to you,



♥, me.

dear #Jonghyun,



♥, me.

how much I tried to control myself, and hold back myself from just letting it all go. how much I tried to make my mouth taste sweet. but it just all fails; because I realized something that has been staring at my face. something that actually I believe in, but got critized and slapped at, and now I'm forced to adopt an abandoned plan. I feel really confused and stupid, idiotic.

because friendships are not planned. they're not like instruction manuals to be followed. they are natural, coming from two or more people and feelings incited will eventually come, but at a natural pace. no one can write up a plan of friendship and expect the outcome which they want. because if not then the entire process is just one big fat bullshit lie and drama where feelings are as dry as the Atacama Desert. and I mean, I can't buy like extra years into friendship right?
in summary :

1. friendships are naturally occuring.
2. they can't be lenghtened more than they already are (though it can be cut)
3. they can't be rushed - I can't expect someone whom I just know for 2 days to be my super close friend after that.
4. a lot of sacrifices are made, a lot of pent-up, in depth, honest feelings are put into it. a whole lot of strength and energy is added to maintain it.
5. don't EVER expect to replace someone in that friend's life. for example, there's this person(I call 14) who is really good friends with someone (call that person 56.) then, I recently came to know 14. then I want her to be my super best close friend in my life, have the same position as 56. of course 56 will feel left out right?

when I said that there were lemons, it meant that something sour had happened. and I'm really very tired to explain what happened and I'm sure nobody would bother.

I GIVE UP.
I'm fighting to get my L1R5 in O Levels.
but, I've already pledged myself to not go any further in this one path that looks really clear cut for me. I'm going to help shape other paths first.
impassively mum and stone.
I will not allow myself to hurt others again for the sake of my dreams. I'm going to crush some of the principles that I live with and make new ones. I'm willing to just let myself be exposed to the four elements simply to see someone get a little more satisfaction for themselves. not that that person hates me, but I feel that I am giving her this bag of unnecessary pain and I don't want to. (not directing this to anyone, honestly.)
I have to try to fly away, run, before the storm.

I got lemons at school which made my mouth sour but BAH I'm just going to sing Run Devil Run in my room and scream out whatever that I wanted to feel.

on a brighter note,
I WENT BACK HOME with my awesome #Onew :DD after like I don't know how many months. and it was really fun, because
1. I got my Jonghyun studs!! happy.
2. I started talking about Kwanghee oppa in the ZE:A video dedicated to ZE:A fans in Singapore (like me (: ) and he's like super funny. then end up I self-declare myself as an idiot character. which #Onew said so too. (:
3. I said "I LOVE YOU" to #Onew properly, and with a bit of courage inside too. plus advice from a go-straight-U-turn-come-back person.
4. Idk... #Onew's like a tad bit more happy today?
5. ONEW SANGTAE MOMENT experienced by my dear #Onew. or a blonde moment, I'd say. HAHA I'm still smiling cause of how funny the moment was. omo, #Onew you're really adorable today.
6. cause the Jonghyun studs came with a gift box that was really cute and adorable, so I just pictured it as a box which can be used for proposals.

and and... guess what, cause I just thought of it as a proposal box, then I proposed to #Onew... and she rejected D: HAHA OMO it was just a joke lah. besides, how to propose with a pair of studs?!?

but still. #Onew really made me cheer up and happy today. maybe I should spend more (and I mean MORE time) with her. yup I really should, cause I've been too dependent on some people recently, and I think it's unfair. #Onew I LOVE YOU :D

shut the bloody damn up. today I saw someone being battered and bruised by the simplest but most dangerous weapon in the world.

THE TONGUE.

because of him, I've appreciated people more, as they are.

because of him, I'm empowered and to not be afraid to stand up, and out.

because of him, I learn to persevere and not to give up.

because of him, I learnt that honestly is really the best policy.

because of him, I've managed to just stay through rough time caused by other people.

because of THEM, I've made new friends, become more positive thinking, and just...be happy of myself.

I love them. (:

인피니트 (Infinite) - 다시 돌아와 (Come Back Again) MV
I'm currently listening to this song. and I like L (:

I need to do Physics but I'll just stick around a little.

HELLO SHINEE! I love the MV teaser, can't wait for the full MV to come out. ah so excited :D and okay, Sunday I have to do some very very IMPORTANT STUFF.

can't believe that #Jonghyun bought the Hello album, what a miracle. but who says cannot right? (:

I studied with #Taemin for this week, she's SUPER adorable XD

ah shoot my phone battery's getting low. maybe that's because I play Hello like a million times today. so of course I got to charge it. there, it's charging.

and Izah told me something that was really unbelievable, but sane all the same. (: one day I wanna see the truth for my eyes.

few more days to Graduation and I won't see a LOT of people. #Onew, #Jonghyun, #Key, #Taemin, I'll miss them loads. and squadmates, XM... it's sad just thinking about it. the 4 years I spent, which was full of drama, lessons learnt, bullshit and crap, shoutings and rantings, fangirling, crazy stunts, exhaustion, memories... it's as though I just became a Secondary 1 yesterday. the things that might not seem significant, is now becoming as important as peeling the banana peel before eating the banana itself.

I'm breaking my own heart. what the crap, why.

I need someone to tell me that... tell me her existence.

the butterfly, oh so beautiful. I see the eyes, and the shadow descending. and the mist, falling on cold skin...but it all comes down to a union between 2 people.

today's writing style is a little bit different, as you can see. but honestly, that's all that I wanna blog for now. have to reduce my distractions and have that motivation. (:

6 POINTS FOR O LEVELS, I'm coming to get you!