peanutbutterweekends.tumblr.com .

hello.
because of things, that have cropped up,
I've moved to...

fortitudablity.tumblr.com

credits to fuckyeahdshinee.tumblr.com .

for giving us a wonderful leader that loves chicken,
for giving us the dino vocalist with killer vocals,
for giving us the almighty multi talented singer/rapper/dancer,
for giving us a rapper exuding with flaming charisma,
for giving us a dancer that constantly amazes us,

for making an awesome debut with Replay,
for becoming the Romeos of Juliettes,
for giving Shawols worldwide our SHINee World,
for making me fall in love via Ring Ding Dong,
for being able to achieve such fame and recognition within such a time frame,
for amazing everyone with Lucifer,
for charming us with Hello,

for giving us the light and shine in our lives,
for being the motivation in my life, especially during a crucial period,
for giving me friends that are extremely wonderful and dear,
for being the five shining stars in the sky,

Thank You.
happy SHINe3anniversary~

thank you to everyone for the awesome gifts on my birthday (which btw was more than 5 days ago) heehee^^ I love you guys a lot, I LOVE YOU JE VOUS AIMEZ SARANGHAEYO. :D

so what's been happening is that I got back some more lecture tests, I didn't do well in one particular test and it's kinda disappointing. but it thought me that, though we might be good in one subject in secondary school, but when it comes to JC, we'll meet so many people who is our match too, and compared to them they might be better at it. so, the remedy will be more practice, and revision. (: focus and concentration too!

by the way, apologies for the super long time frame between this post and the last post. but then, I don't think anyone reads this blog anyways, based on the tagboard and the many unknown people that spam on it and leave really weird messages. blogskin is back to SHINee ((: after a crazy and confusing period, plus plus I really need to do important things now. life is starting to get more controlled, and I might as well be able to survive. hopefully.

Aristal was a BLAST :D thank you NJMD for the wonderful moments and memories (and photos of course (: ), and spending rehearsals with you guys are always wonderful days, never boring or sad ones. I know it's only been approx. 2 months since i joined, but in a way they've helped me change a huge part of myself that I previously thought it would be impossible to. so I'm grateful ^^ the finale was brilliant and stunning. and Duong your solo was super COOL! you've done well trust me, birthday neighbour! and the best part is when classmates came down to support: Qingtuck, Kevin and Yuting. plus some OG mates too, it was really appreciated, thank you for coming down to support!
the sad thing is that I didn't take photo with Claudia and Xin Yi D: oh but never mind HAHA.

and just when I'm starting to feel that I'm slowly getting control of what's happening, I just realized that there's a whole pile of things that I haven't do, and I have to reply FB and text messages, reply emails, do GPP and some other stuff online. oh dear. well, let the crazy cycle of things happen again. (: stress is just a common thing right now, I've got to say.

what happens, if there's still feelings for a person? someone that, most definitely won't have feelings? or worse, someone who already has set eyes for someone else, and it is pretty obvious? it's not about me though, but what if. what if that kind of situation has swallowed me up? how will I manage, and how will I still be strong enough to put a barrier between my emotions, and my studies as well as my physical health. because every single thing, I've come to learn, has more intertwined links with other factors, more obvious and more strong than I can even think of. it feels stupid, not knowing about these.

brave the storm through the many difficulties. there's a world, that I've seen where it has gone through so much that I don't think I could even survive in that world. but that world, amazingly has managed to pull through all the obstacles, the lemons that life and destiny has given it, all the barbed wire that can definitely create an injury or two here and there, and survive, much stronger than before. the aura given, is more bright, shining and definitely conspicuous. and sometimes, when I step back, and just let everything swirl into a myriad of colours, there's always the little nudge that says, hey, why can't you be like that. and it makes the past experiences, or basically the past a minuscule problem. and it makes me feel
STUPID.
why wasn't I able to overcome those barriers, that might seem huge but actually is small. why wasn't I able to climb even a small hill. look at that world, there's so many Everests and Atacama Deserts and yet, still manage to survive. I don't know, I don't know. and in the end, the question is unanswered, and everything comes back to the same, monochromatic dazed situation it originally used to be.
but maybe the key is within eyes's sight, within arms' reach, within a stone's throw away. and maybe, it might be the answer to everything that I've believed in. in fact, it most definitely is.

OH by the way, I absolutely love After School's Shampoo. the MV really captures, and I like the storyline because well, I guess it's engaging? plus B2ST's Fiction :D haha the shuffling feet move during the chorus is pretty cool! then SHINee's Replay teaser for the Jap version came out and I can't wait for the full MV to come out! ((: Code-V is making a comeback, Boyfriend released the teaser for Water Floor and I just saw Block B's perf for Wanna B on Mucore and Mubank and Zico looks much much better. okay, one whole chunk of Kpop. haha. (:

speaking of which, the water's turning blue.

fine, there was lecture tests assignment quizzes and a whole load of crap that happened...
so I shall take a breather and try to go through everything with a positive, high mind. because it'll get worse and I trust myself. I hope. because well, heart has been cheating me for the past couple of weeks.
for example, I told myself, from the deepest chasms of my heart, please, don't cry. just try to close the tap. but I couldn't, I just had to wear the heart on my sleeves. it's really not good because... I don't know. I just feel like it.
continuation:
lecture tests assignment quizzes extra homework makeup sessions CCA lost friends stressed out life exploded mind STRESS STRESS STRESS.
khali khali khali.

everything is just spinning like the planets rotation in the Solar System and it's simply a huge mass of blurred colours and... I don't know. I really DON'T KNOW. I can't control, it's difficult to just grab the problem by its hands and just shake it by its shoulders, telling it to behave. because too much things have been going on, especially the part 2 weeks.
it's been a break from poetic transcriptions and codenames, substitutions, cipherations, treasure chests and lost keys.
because I am tired. I want a break, and I want to just talk to one person ONLY.
this one person whom, I don't know. I still don't know what's going on, I thought something would happen but... again, I don't know what on earth is going on.
standing on 2 feet itself is a chore by itself and it's just too much.
some time alone, for self-reflection. for ranting. for screaming and just venting what is in mind. for curahan hati sessions.

and the world was quiet,
the autumn leaves rustle.
quiet, with no footsteps, and the drop of a pin
reverberating through the sphere.

questions and the occasional gulp;
for certain dark secrets aren't meant to be shared.

wanted to get closer, to touch the glass dome;
the dream of being inside, and letting the grass run free;
but when the hammer strikes from a land elevated high
cracks and shatters the priceless surface,
abrasions on parallel reality.

the awkward feeling of trying to get something
but simply gun shot away from our bleeding hands.

unknowingly, as the hunter leaves the exploding
beach hut,
pearlescent blue lightsticks illuminate the fisherman's boat
set on course for an unknown destiny,

there is a key at the bottom of the shark's bay.
and a new treasure
is found, suddenly visible
beneath the thousand layers of autumn leaves falling.

though unscathed, with cuts and bruises as the mark of aperture and
loyalty,
and though the forest was littered in fire's remnants and debris,
captured polaroids and negatives won't be enough
to capture the eyes' beholding beauty.

for it was still suburban dreams,
as lights go on again.

for even though this link may be forbidden;
but I'll come and try to save
the friend trapped within inside.

for even when the guard refuses entry into the compound,
but I'll find the hidden passageways
and rescue the friend that longs for the freedom to sunshine.

confusion and conflict; I don't know what to do.
I've been turned away from the shop,
prevented from the object I most desire, the one that has caught my eyes.
but fear flames in the eyes
why?
apparently links that might be as soft as
raffia strings
can't seem to be broken, NO, not even with the strongest pair of scissors.

the battle in my head is not over,
and I can't let it possess me. for it will bring heavy damage,
a portal to doom and destruction.
NO
should I rescue that friend then?

questions to self, to ponder, to wonder.
but what if, the capacity can't be maintained?

at the end, the only way is to
sacrifice.
even though it may cut a piece of the heart
that is already hurt,
but in the light that gloom is a necessity;

so be it.

where did I go wrong, I lost a friend.
but not because I didn't know how to save a life.
I still can't figure out why.
the few listening ears left, the one that I told some of my secrets to.
but why, between the walls, it is now silence, closed lips, a frosty throat?
maybe, maybe somehow
we're not meant to be?
maybe it's fatigue. or laziness. or the fact that schedules are meant to be fulfilled.
but what if it's about me? something deep inside the well,
where no groundwater can be drawn out?
I wish pink clouds do exists,
and so do walking mannequins that play with pillows, cake and champagne.
I look at the faces...
do they mean well?
for reading faces and expressions is not as simple as showing colourless and pink in phenolphthalein.
tell me, please. I can't afford to ruin a rainbow serenade.

life has been a messups, couple of confusions and problems happened. but hey, JC life is like that. if I can't cope now then life in the working world is going to get a heck lot worse than now. so, guess perseverance is the key. for now, sacrifices have to be made, tears have to be shed, emotions released, bottles shattered. but it's all worth it. we are busy busy people, quoted by Qingtuck (:
by the way, there's this really nice Hong Kong dessert house at AMK that's really nice and the best part is, it's HALAL :D after having lunch at LJS with classmates (11SH20 FTW yay :D), Xian Yun, Yi Qing and I went there and the Muar Chee is absolutely delicious! but I prefer the peanut flavour (: anyways, the Mango Pomelo was really nice, thank you both of you! (: we should go there again. (:

is love merely the motion, the wave,
a mere emotion?

I can't.

the feelings of...of not being to be accepted, it just suddenly hits me. I thought I could cope. and that was what I've been trying to delude myself into thinking for the past one week. until now, when I saw those comments on something weirdly wonderful yet hurting.

won't talk to me that often.
but I still cherish, I still like.
this feeling still inside.
won't stick with me that often.
so now I regret even showing the secret, even exposing the truth and revealing what's hidden beneath the treasure chest.
why did I fall into traps that even a blind man can sense, feel. why was I so
STUPID?
we're still friends but I'm not sure.
I'm confused, sad,
maybe a mixture. but I definitely don't feel good.
I wish I could tell how I feel because
bottling up is most definitely not the best solution.
but then by telling, it'll be the worse thing ever
to having extremely damaged hair.
what should I do.

Ok.

To sum up everything... Weirdly amazing. Oh, and superbly tiring too, but hey, so far it's ok. I hope (:
this whole week was non-stop training! Not literally 24/7 training, but I have training every single day from Monday to today... And it's going to continue. Though it may be tiring but I LOVE IT.

GOLD WITH HONOURS, we can do it! Jiayou awesome people, you know who you are! ((: let's show that we deserve this, that our hard work and sweat blood tears, every single drop of them is worth it. And I love every single member of this family because this family, is really special and one of a kind. Something that has helped me be sane and keep calm cool and collected. I love Sara's beautiful composition, I love the song costume choreography steps formation props EVERYTHING. Tuesday and Thursday!

Anyways, Thursday was SHINee Jonghyun oppa's 21st birthday! it would be the norm to post a birthday card but really, schedule is too hectic to the extend that when I lie down being idle, I'll feel this weird pang of guilt. So I've no choice but to just post like this... And happy birthday to Co-Ed's Chanmi unnie, I miss your short blonde hair especially in Bbiribbom Bbaeribbom! :/

confusion.
When I look at the eyes, momentarily stunned; captured by enchantment.
Flawless were the hands,
the transition from a step... to another step.

it was not the beginning yet, when it came,
the era and break of dawn.
and existence of the sacred heart was
unfamiliar.

But wait, see the traffic lights in the night...

drawn together with two invisible bonds,
the forces unknown,
unexpected,
unaware by the speed.
Is love the mere building of a wall with bricks and cement, the mere special meeting, a mere
Emotion?

confusion.
As the choice to make
ended up in a crossroad to take.

The one to catch
or the one to be seen?
will there be a time where everything would just
STOP
and the beauty, oh so mesmerizing.
is it possible, that something would happen, away, away...

let the hourglass invert,
grapes soaked in acid and flesh,
with themes of
Infatuation.

So for the past few days I've been having training and clocked up about 16hours of training which is really exhausting. Twirls and leaps, positioning.

But it's all for SYF YES :D

Though there's so many bruises gained, especially with an ugly one on my hip, and not to mention the cuts and blisters on my feet, but as the saying goes, no pain no gain.

When I first started, I had this cliché feeling of fear, the fear of not being able to fit it, or the fear of really being too strange such that people won't talk to you. But all those were wrong.

NJMD has given me lots of things that I'm really blessed to have. Maybe it's a blessing, something to relieve the pain I had been facing through during the last couple of months last year. Come to think of it, I think so (: anyways, I'm really happy to be part of the MD family - a family that works together, sticks together through thick and thin, put aside differences and always constantly seeks to improve ourselves, not only by improving individuals, but others as well. Though training is physically demanding, and quite tiring honestly, but somehow, without all those, it's as though something is missing from life. Very weird, they say.
I love you guys, every single one of you <3 thank you so so much for being a wonderful part in my life, and for giving me so many happy memories though it's only been one months since I joined. Thank you for all the times you have supported me, and showed me care and concern. RIGHT BACK AT YA :D

Let's get Gold with Honours for SYF, do our school and seniors proud, but also the most importantly : make ourselves proud of what we achieved. Because I feel that we have improved a lot since we started, or rather since I started. (: and Im really proud of what we have achieved, though I'm only a newcomer and all...

Being different doesn't mean that we can be one.
NJMD :D

my younger brother is being a bish. honest.
10 reasons why:

1. he wakes me up when I'm sleeping to guess what? help him with his homework. hello, think what, my JC life is so free? I need my rest too you know? common sense tells you not to disturb someone when they are sleeping, or has that not gone into your head yet huh?!

2. everytime he has a problem with comprehension, he'll ask me to read the ENTIRE comprehension then answer the question. it's really just a waste of time. and the passages can be up to 3 pages long (like what happened just now).

3. he bugs me EVERYTHING about football and spend like what, 75 dollars on one freaking Man U t shirt? I got a French national team one for 20 bucks and of the same quality! he'll go like "oh you know so-and-so? from so-and-so team?" I do NOT want to know anything else about football, though I'm a fan of Man U! btw, he stole my Man U poster too, bloody *******.

4. he crumpled my SHINee poster. now there's a freaking big crease on Taemin oppa's face.

5. he borrows my stuff without permission, and does NOT return them back until reminded. like my calculator and phone...

6. he plays with his own football EVERYWHERE, he kicks it everywhere and knocks some of my stuff which is extremely annoying. one time he kicked it at my butt, wth. bish bish bish.

7. he stalks me EVERYWHERE at times. when I need some time alone he will follow me EVERYWHERE, even to my room and the toilet. it's creepy and it honestly freaks me out. and I hate it when my privacy is invaded.

8. uses the com for HOURS, for what? to check football updates. and it's always ALWAYS when I want to do work. seriously, he can check the next day or he could have checked it earlier right?

9. I'm in the bathroom and he suddenly knocks on the door for NO apparent reason. then he will make drum beats. annoying times 2. very VERY annoying.

10. he uses tissues and leaves them EVERYWHERE! it's really disgusting! especially when he's sick? plus the fact that sometimes when I'm really annoyed at him, he hides my stuff and I have to waste an extra 10 minutes finding it. if not, everytime my grandma calls every night, although he's way nearer to the phone he'll ask me to answer, and I'll run over with my mouth full of food to answer the call. plus the fact then he'll read the newspaper, and leave it where it was and not put back. or the fact that he falls asleep on the sofa almost every single night on his homework and making a huge puddle of sweat on the sofa next morning. or the fact that when he does Isya' prayers, he'll go "give me some light" and I have to leave the light on even though I'm very sleepy and I need to sleep and when I fall asleep he won't bother to turn off my room light for me. or the fact that he falls asleep on my bed which I do NOT allow anyone elses to sleep unless I give permission. or the fact that he borrows my books, and never return. or the fact that he simply don't know when to use a dictionary, and when NOT to use a dictionary.

okay, so that's my rant. bish bish bish.

happy birthday to Jin Hyewon, Co-Ed School's one star vocalist and rapper! ~한별혜원~

due to time constraint and other stuff I don't really update this blog often, heh. still. (: p.s. omgoodness Yvonne how the heck do you write such long posts?!?

okay. (:
school's tiring. honest. it's like studying for O Levels every single day - it's really important to have constant revision (which reminds me, I have homework to do :P) if not we'll just lose ourselves in the sea of complex information and unfathomable equations, and we'll drown... which sooner or later we might not have the ability to get up. but it's fun, really. every single day, though tiring it may be, but I enjoy every single day to the max. unlike the past, I actually look forward going to school (but not because of the lessons puh-lease.)
11SH20! my awesome class with awesome friends ((: but I still miss my outrageously great OG10. :D my PW group is also cool cause I see the others every time except GP (except for one guy whom I share the exact schedule with) so yup yup!
and CCA is :D

okay enough about school for today. but it doesn't mean that today's post is ending! someone's birthday is tomorrow yay. and I saw ZE:A's new MV pics, it really reminds me of Hello MV setting, with all the shops and all. I really hope they can provide us with something fresh but doesn't really deviate from their main style. cause I'm used to seeing them in the Mazeltov-Level Up-All Day-ish kind of concept and it'll probably be hard and I'll take some time to digest a cute, prince-charming-like kind of concept. btw, B2ST's Shock Jap version MV is super cool and Yoseob still looks GORGEOUS but haha, my bias is Ki Kwang. (: I like Dalmatian's new concept, looks fresh and new... and Teen Top's Supa Luv remix, AWESOME TTM. ChunJi can SING, please go and see the Music Core perf of their remix!

I need to lose weight.

I hate the fact that despite constantly reminding people about basic stuff, it just gets forgotten. I'm not implying this to anyone, I'm just stating it as a matter of fact. but what's worse is that there's this person, who has given me a 'promotion' - from super good friend to stranger on the road. and that pisses me off to some extent, but disappoints me even more. and the regret of even starting this friendship sinks in even more. but hey, guess what, there's an increase in the drive to just do something nasty. I am no longer the person who has a red riding hood right beside her every single time, because I've grown.
they say that deleting someone from the heart is really hard, but in this case, it's as easy as writing the letter A.

I rather be friends with a nerd than a bitch.

happy birthday to Lee Soomi, Co-Ed School's 'smile-ing' leader! ~미소수미~



happy birthday to Lee Soomi, Co-Ed School's 'smile-ing' leader! ~미소수미~
happy birthday to Kang In Oh/Noori, Co-Ed School's 'balance-d' vocalist & rapper! ~가온누리~

happy birthday Kevin oppa! saengil chukha hamnida (:

School's tiring, class's cool, OG 10's still awesome, and life sucks. Well except for a bag of candy that my CCA friend gave, a really special persona, a crush, paper protection and the occasional slip-up which seriously can't be avoided at times.

Not going to be the same... But hey, I'm loving it! :D

Life's now like a bitch honestly. And seriously, some people are really... It's like should I take them seriously? It's also kinda weird, that a separation I thought would be painful turned out just fine. In fact, there's now some more sunshine. (: I have my own way, others do. And all the broken promises...

FORGET IT. bygones are bygones. Gonna be ok without why oh.

I miss my darling quartet btw ):

happy birthday Dongjun oppa! saengil chukha hamnida (:

happy birthday Junyoung oppa! saengil chukha hamnida! (:

maybe we're not meant to be.

I guess it's true then that love is blind. I don't want the same thing to happen again because it'll definitely make me miserable again...and I don't want another repetition of the past. I don't want;
but why am I so SO stupid to have gone one step away and not become the norm anymore? Why was I so dumb as to do such a thing?

I've lost the one thing that has given me the extra glimmer of hope, and now I'm afraid. I'm scared and that's why I'm not exactly what people would call happy. What if I lose it forever? when I first saw, I thought hey, maybe there's a chance. Maybe something can happen finally. But then, this crazy thing just happened and next thing I know, it's on the brink of losing something really precious… forever.

I'm sorry, I really am. maybe we're not meant to be huh. it sucks to break away but I have to accept fate. it's the end unfortunately... and a long period of solitude even before I come back again.

we don't feel the same and I'm really confused as what to do next... At first I thought that, maybe it could be solved. but now, I don't think I'm able to mend anything anymore.

just put the blame on me okay. it's all my fault and I admit it. I can't do anything else but to just stare, at those two eyes like before, someday hoping...

something would happen.

(psst, this blogging app is super awesome :D)

it's really cold here for some apparent reason but still able to go through life, if that's what people say... Compared to my friend Rozanna who is always super warm to the extend that I thought she came out from an oven! (: ok, it's a bit of in thing also...

never mess with destiny. that would be disastrous, and bring about unfortunate consequences.

the past week has been... absolutely fantastic awesome superb brilliant supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. :D orientation was a freaking blast!! OG 10 SARANGHAEYO <3 they really are awesome. Where else would it be found, people who would be brave enough to shout MY MELONS ARE BIG! while holding two watermelons in their hands? and people that seem to have an endless list of jokes, people that are really nice and accept the rest for who they are, though crazy they seem to be?

people that:
never let a dull moment exist,
having a seemingly never ending book of jokes,
care about others, treasure things and be nice and kind,
and the most, making me feel that I was belonged.

it's something got to do with my past - and I have no intention to write a long, grandmother story about it. let bygones be bygones... I don't want to think about my past for it will stir up bad things in me again - and I don't wish to.

OH AND BTW THERE'S THIS REALLY GORGEOUS PIC OF ONEW OPPA THAT IS EH MY GOODNESS FREAKING... well, GORGEOUS. too bad I didn't save it in my phone and I think it'll be a hassle to search in the net. Oh wells, maybe I'll re-edit some other day.

something also happened that made me really pissed off and disappointed. and then develop feelings of dislike that I can't really remove right now. So, please just get a life and stop doing this to me. besides, it ain't my fault. I wish that I could live back the days where we'd just cherish each other and just don't care about everything, a time where we'd play with Barbie dolls and do each other's hair... But it seems the once lived memory is now a fantasy in the cloud kingdom. there's nothing to say.

P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY AWESOME FRIEND SIYAN!! <3 you were the first person that I met in NJ and since them you've brought me joy and happiness in my life... I really feel blessed to have you as my friend. And sorry that I keep showing my childhood photo to you about 4 times (or maybe more ): )

so today I tried making BIBIMBAP which by the way is Korean mixed rice with vegetables. it's really healthy because I think 60% of it is vegetables (: and it's filling too! wanted to take pics of me preparing step by step but haha, guess I forgot :P but I took the final product:



my own bibimbap which consists of: beansprouts, spinach, shredded carrot, japanese cucumber, ground beef, shiitake mushrooms and a fried egg! it's suppose to be sunny side up but EPIC FAIL :P but in all, DELICIOUS.

Dear A,

please don't fall back. don't collapse. just believe in this small self of yours and you'd be fine. I know how much you had to go through, especially at midnights. but please, stay strong.

love, milly.

anyways, I found out this really awesome websited where they have great GIMP scripts (don't bother asking, there's something called the freaking INTERNET) and let's just say I twiddled here and twiddled there, so here are the results!

original photo was this:


then I did 4 different effects on it, for the sake of fun...

yay. GIMP the awesome.(:
it's therapy for today.

Tokio Hotel - Automatic
image from Google Image search,
brushes from deviantart.

Dear A,
firstly, let me ask you an important question. how stupid are you? you get hurt by the same person almost on a daily basis and common sense would have told you to just let go of that person and don't think about her in the first place. but why do you still keep clinging on to that friend as though you're so afraid to let go, so afraid to lose anyone? I know maybe it's cause of the past but HELLO, let bygones be bygones. life isn't all about that person. cherish all the other wonderful things that life has to offer. get a life, and move on.

you ask me why I didn't visit you as often. that's because I knew you had changed, from last time. and I can see a significant amount of change in you. you're no longer the small little girl that would cry almost every single thing, no longer the person who would give up easily. but it's as though that old self is coming back. and I'm coming back, I'm paying you a visit to warn you, to help you and to push that little personality trait of yours away. because I love you.

there are so many friends out there. the ones whom you think aren't significant actually are. those that are so much more better than the current ones whom you think you share this super super special, important, bond with them but in reality, let me tell you, those who you think really care about you, they don't know you well and so do you. like your hoobae? have you noticed how many times she has helped you, given you advice and really, makes you happy even in the darkest of moments? and yet you don't treasure. your eyes are all in the wrong place.

you accuse others of being blind, but you yourself are blind. Your life is short - every human's life is extremely short compared to life in the Alam Barzagh and in Syurga - so why not devote yourself spiritually, pray and constantly think of Allah S.W.T. because He will always be there for you no matter what? why, why why?

how stupid are you, to refusing to adapt to change, be stubborn and superbly sensitive? how stupid are you to get hurt over all the small, nitty gritty things? even after what the doctor said? you still don't want to change. it's better to reprimand you now, because then only will the message sink in. don't you dare become like Umbridge, who forced Harry to write 'I must not tell lies' with his own blood. don't expect things around you to change. YOU yourself has to change first, as quoted in the Quran. then only will Allah S.W.T. help you.

but I believe in you. I believe you can be aware, that you can change. because you CAN, and you can do it. you have the ability to persevere, and be brave. there's a treasure chest of courage within you that you didn't know.

even if the world turns their back against you, I'll be here for you, always.
♥, milly

Hi guys thanks so much for being my 'sidekicks' during GDA just now where we became super fangirls, getting super excited at every performance and commenting on weird stuff which I remembered there were but my memory's failing now. and Manager, you saw my entire collection of albums eh? Onew, SARANGHAEYO, you're awesome really. gosh, it's random! and the mags, though they were Indonesian but who the freaking heck cares when there's awesome pics to gaze upon eh? (:

happy birthday to Lee Kwanghaeng, Co-Ed School's 'rascal' vocalist and rapper! ~악동광행~

STATE OF THE UNION

IN:
HOOBAE:D
choreography
the number 2.

OUT:
broken promises
water bottles with no water in them
Jelly.

I LOVE TWITTER. ;)

in lieu of recent events, I have two major things to say. of course, they will be rephrased so as to not make any direct connections with anyone or anything.

so firstly, I've kinda observed something. Generation gap plays the main reason for many conflicts around the world. the older generation, or whatever term used to call them, they're able to face tough challenges, obstacles and hardship in their life. obviously it's because they have experience and have faced these kinds of things before. thus, it is a little rare to see them complaining about the pain, the hardship, the brutal treatment that they receive. however, noticeably, the younger generation or whatever term again, give them the same amount of hardship and challenges their sunbaes face and they can't take it. so they complain, throw tantrum, sue, retaliate, then pack their things and leave for a better life.

cruel as it seems, I think it's the truth in my perspective. and then the whole cycle starts again. it's impossible to say who's right and who's wrong at times because each personality trait has both advantages and disadvantages.

then soon, friends become enemies, and a strong relationship (or what may be a strong relationship in the eyes of others,) becomes destroyed. HELLO, where is the love? it is utter waste to build a building when in the end we ourselves, with our own hands destroy it.

secondly, instead of maintaining trust between each other, what comes out now is suspicions. take for example:
two girls, A and B are in the same school. A doesn't like B and starts to pick on her, insult her and becomes mean. B is a well-behaved and honest girl who on the other hand does not retaliate but rather remains the way she is, well-behaved. then, because of an event, A realizes her mistakes and sees that her attitude isn't that exemplary and starts to act nice to B, giving apologies and rendering her help in whatever way.

last time, people would feel that A has genuinely turned over a new leaf and is trying to learn from her mistakes, be a better person and improve herself, by being nice to B. that was what people thought in the past, I presume. (it's in my perspective, I repeat. I might be wrong though.) now, instead of believing that A has turned over a new leaf, now people think that A does not mean what she does and she simply does that to take advantage of B and ultimately hurt her more.

in this situation, it is again, the case of whether to believe or not to believe. it makes judgement even harder than tearing off a pineapple skin with our teeth. then confusion comes in and a stupid battle forms in our heads. like as though we don't have enough things to worry about.

I have no solutions because hey, those are just my opinions. I don't even want to think of a solution because there's too much in my mind. so there, that's what I have to say.

anyways, yesterday I went to Marina Barrage with some friends (#Onew and #Jonghyun were there, shall not divulge who else were there) and it wasfun (: I loved the water park, or whatever it is called. had a picnic and saw a sunburst + a faint rainbow amidst strong wind, colourful kites and green green grass. I'd like it if it happened again (:
plus, getting what I've wanted...soon. patience is the KEY ;)

and, I don't care what's happening anymore. the window that used to be open, the window where things can be hurled at (nice and bad things) is now closed. I'm disappointed, and I cry about it at times, but when I think about it - if I investigate I could be caught prying into other people's lives but if I don't, I'll continue to push myself more pain and hurt. so I've decided, I don't freaking CARE anymore. my only hope is that someday, that person wil wake up and see what's happening to me.

Interviewer: "In the dream team recording, Minho and Taemin got close to one another."

Taemin: "*laughs quietly* "Well, uhh, by pure accident actually, me and Minho kind of brushed lips in the hug, i jumped a little too hard, and he caught me an-"

Interviewer: "Wait, so you two are saying you kissed?"

Minho: "uh, yes.."

EPIC.

anyways, back to )): mood.

so be the dawn of a new day, the mist on the glass,
raindrops descending from heavenly skies.
hemispheres crack, the core explodes, mantle melting.
there was nothing wrong.
but then came the newspaper
GASP.
she felt her heart in her mouth, a swarm of things in her stomach.
no, she said, please don't...
but it was fate.

breathing heavily, mist camouflaged against the crowd,
she stood alone, shivering in her fear,
bearing the brute of the pain, trying her best to say.
crystal was coming, and it came.
colours swirled around her, the miasma of a rainbow, the epitome of failure.
but all she could see was the black darkness.
not even illuminated by the light of a small candle.

"why?" wae, pourquoi, not even any language could express
the scream that was muted
by the cold hostile air.

and all this time she thought she was good.
accepted.
at least, being loved.

but no, obviously by the television, it was not like that.
it was never meant to be that.
blind, oblivious. couldn't see, couldn't hear, the 5 senses vanishing into nothingness.
the fool, yes she was.

a fool because shards of glass clouded her head, as she thought how stupid she was.
a fool because she was eaten by a ferocious lion that was unlike Aslan.
a fool to overestimate herself and conquer the world.
a fool for getting deluded, slapped, betrayed, and hurt.
a fool because she loved someone, but that love was fake.

so be the red, crimson, dark vermillion.
as she slowly reconciles with her true fate.
silver pens and autumn leaves;
lips tight as she wait for the moment;

to feel free.

switched to a plain blogskin because I want to be free.
and I have my own reasons.

I don't know.

maybe it's because I overestimated myself.
maybe it's because 1.00 plusplus in the morning was my best friend. was.
maybe it's because some fine lines meant to be drawn are simply erased.
maybe it's because tears can have the property of Niagara Falls.
maybe it's because I should have slammed the door close, hanged up the telephone, shut the jar lid and screamed until my voice isn't there anymore.
maybe it's because top ain't top anymore.
maybe it's because I'm getting slapped smack in the face for something that I didn't even do, for goodness sake.
maybe it's because there are green and yellow rings on my fingers that are invisible.
maybe it's because some crystal balls are simply, crystal balls.
maybe it's because my throat is acting up on me until I sound like Co-Ed's Hyewon.
maybe it's because my foot is getting worse, and the muscle's all bundled up.
maybe it's because I'm horrendously blind such that I can't even see the shard of glass in front of me.
maybe it's because so much rice grains come in but what comes out is just one freaking grain.
maybe it's because tripods are going to play a very important role in my life.
maybe it's because letting go is the 2nd hardest thing to sleeping on a bed of thorns.
maybe it's because I'm barking up the wrong tree, gnawing, chewing, whatever...
maybe it's because the wolves are breeding in my mind.
maybe it's because the cow skin is stretched by ten thousand strings.
maybe it's because I loved someone.

I don't know.

sometimes, it's necessary to hold ourselves back, no matter how people describe ourselves as passionate or whether we ourselves have that passion. because at times, though happy I can be in doing that thing, or liking a particular thing, it just sometimes turns into sadness. not wanting to do it anymore. there's a change of heart, and suddenly the best friends turns out to become enemies.

it feels as though I stepped into something not knowing that it's a trap. it felt so tempting anyways. that's what they always do, trapping people by deceiving the mind into thinking that THAT place is like paradise, heaven. once in the trap, finally there's this, self-realization. and I try to climb out, escape but there's nothing that I can do.

we sometimes go too far into something, and in the end we ourselves get transformed three hundred and sixty degrees. to the point where we develop irrational hopes, fears and thoughts. clinging onto just nonsensical things that to an outsider seems so common sense and irrational. at this point, I have to stop, I MUST stop. though it's hard to let go, to leave that thing; or just simply be content with where I am now and not delve deeper. lest there will definitely be pain, not emotionally but physically.

it's called sacrifice, to give up something that is attached emotionally and bearing through all the pain. but it is necessary. there are many fine lines in this world that can be blurred, and it can turn dangerous. and then there is the case of multiple fine lines, and overlapping ones too. brave the storm, before it's too late.

today's also going to be a bit of a MINHO/TAEMIN/2MIN spam. again, for someone (: it's going to be Indonesian, so obviously if it's not understood, do me a favour and scroll down to see some other post or just click the cross in the red box at the top of the window yeah?

ntar, gue denger lagi-lagi ini suka sama SHINee, ya? (: sama MINHO si bias gue dan Taemin? kalo mau tau, aku ada banyak gambarnya mereka, lho! :D sekarang pasti udah kamu faham kenapa aku kalau lihat Minho/SHINee, aku dalam 'dreaming mode' lho.... ^_^ TERUTAMA SEKALI di majalah Korean Pop yg dulu2 aku beli di Gramedia... FOR YOU (:


ini conceptnya Lucifer dalam albumnya Lucifer itu lho... ;)


Taemin oppa yg dibilangin imut! (: ya emang sih... yah, dreaming lagi dehh. padahal mahu buat prnya les piano! :/


Taemin oppa lagi! um aku suka sama kaos nya (: tapi rambutnya sih, so-so lah. nggak seneng kalau panjang gitu lho.


MINHO OPPA! (: [oh ya, oppa itu kayak kakak lelaki gitu.] ganteng dehh...


oh ini ya, dalam uh apa namanya, reality show namanya Hello Baby. itu kayak Minta Tolong di RCTI, bukan sinetron gitu. kalo di Korsel itu sangat populer. ini adegan Minho oppa sama Taemin oppa tidur waktu istirahat. lucu deh, soalnya. cute!((:


nah ini uh, music videonya Lucifer. aku sama tmn2ku suka BANGET sama music videonya ini. soalnya kn, conceptnya lain, lagi 'daring' lah gitu. tapi aku suka, soalnya Minho potong rambut sih, jadi lagi ganteng! lols. ;)

okay, sini saja deh, untuk kali ini! nanti kalo mau picturenya lagi bilangin ya, sama aku, ya! :D

translation of lyrics are at : http://www.hotnewsonglyrics.com/snsd-mistake-lyrics.html

SNSD - My Mistake Lyrics

난 아직 제자리죠
여전히 그대 곁에서
헤매이다 지쳐서

오늘도 그댈 맴돌다
하루 또 하루 흘러 흘러서
여기까지 온거죠

알면서 아픈 내 맘 알면서도
웃는 그대가 날 더 아프게 하죠

나를 더 사랑하게 만들지 못한
내 잘못이죠

내가 더 사랑해서 만들어버린
내 잘못이죠

내 마음만큼 나를 더
사랑하게 하지 못했었던 거였죠
내 잘못이죠

얼마나 더 많은 시간을
눈물을 흘려야 하나요
그 약속만을 믿으며

기다려 달라던 거짓말
이제 속았던 내 욕심도
지쳐 버리고 만거죠

알면서 아픈 내 맘 다 알면서

그렇게 모른 척 웃을 순 없잖아요

나를 더 사랑하게 만들지 못한
내 잘못이죠

내가 더 사랑해서 만들어버린
내 잘못이죠

내 마음만큼 나를 더
사랑하게 하지 못했었던 거였죠
내 잘못이죠

가질 수 없는걸 알면서

멋대로 커진 내 마음이

혼자서 기다리다가
혼자서 후회하다가
사랑한 것도 잘못이네요

아픈 줄 알면서도 잊지를 못한
내 잘못이죠

내가 참 바보 같죠

다칠 껄 알면서도 비우지 못한
내 잘못이죠

모든 게 내 탓이래도

그래도 괜찮아요 그대만 있다면

언제까지나

이런 날 용서해줘요
그댈 사랑한 날

let's start off by saying a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my awesome #Taemin! (not Taemin oppa, notice the # sign there) saengil chukha hamnida~ thank you SO SO much for being there for me and being part of my life. I remember those times during O Level period where I had really rough times and you were there as a listening ear, providing me with advice and really showed concern. come to think of it, I was sick at that time and remember the 'miracle cure'? :D and thank you for being an awesome spazz buddy about well... you know who you know what ^_^ friends forever. (:

I think my feet are vulnerable to injuries because right now I have this pain in my foot which was confirmed to be a twisted muscle, and a huge cut across my big toe that is funnily shaped like a small letter 'y'. Obviously I wouldn't take a photo of it and slap it on this blog post for all to see right? but it really is like a 'y' and it got worse this morning. plus, all those mosquite bites that still hasn't healed and the big scab that looks like a breakfast disaster. oh wells.

The thing is, and I don't know if it technically is universally true, but can we overexert ourselves sometimes when doing the things we either are passionate about, or something new but physically demanding? I think that's the reason why so many things are happening before my very own eyes.

anyways, watched GD and TOP's MV for High High and it's kind of interesting. I like the song but sometimes GD looks weird. though I love him with the glasses (: speaking of Kpop, people have been asking me to watch Korean dramas. last time I did that was last year early March where I was watching Iljimae and recording almost every single episode. and I still love it (: I want to watch Tamra, the Island because there's an ang moh who speaks fluent Korean in the drama! how cool is that? and unique too ^_^ actually he's French but oh who cares.

considering a change for my blogskin, but as for now, I think I'll stick with this one first. (:

I'm sorry, I really am.

to just be in this, state of mind, I...don't know.

the stuffed pig is missing;

'if I could turn back time, I'd set things right.' I know, cliche. but...

it doesn't change anything.

there is a battle in my head and I really don't know what to do. it's chock full of confusion and endless mindaches.

I wish I could, I want. but I CAN'T.

I LOVE the choreo. :D

_______________________________________

did this bottom chunk on 01012011 (yup I know, nice date -.-) when I was supposed to do this yesterday which was by looking at the post while typing is today but AH, confusion confusion... whatever.
2010 was, I don't know, life-changing and full, jam-packed with a hell load of happy memories, life lessons and experiences. like the time when I met my awesome Yoohee hoobae via SFI (seriously, you rock for all the things you do), cried because I saw a dead huge python in the middle of the padi field, started liking ZE:A and Co.Ed, having an awesome 16th birthday, under one roof with #Onew #Jonghyun #Key and #Taemin... whatever it is, 2010 was deadpan awesome.
so then comes 2011 and I don't know, but I just don't have any resolutions for now. maybe ace exams and meet my awesome hoobae face to face? yadah yadah, that kind of crap...
oh and by the way, I accomplished something and started doing another thing, but stupid aches here and there keep attacking me. oh well, shall buy a baseball bat to beat the crap out of them. haha. (:

SM*SH - I Heart U

found this video on Youtube because of their perf on dahSyat. I don't know about other people, but it's really REALLY like Indonesia's version of SuJu. plus, blonde hair?!? it's clear cut Kpop-ish. I'm not saying that I hate it, I'm okay with it, it's just...know?

speaking of Kpop, I LOVE this video. :D

and that's how screwed my study table and room is.

image taken from http://bethelightofthedark.tumblr.com

sometimes the things we do really take for granted. for example, time. spending time with someone for 4 years, though that person's not that close, but in 5 years time if we were to meet we'd surely hug each other. how weird, seeing that we're not even close but after a period of isolation the feeling of "I miss you" is as strong as gluing two elephants together with Super Glue. we simply do take these things for granted...
and so, even though it's only 2 freaking months since I lost sight of ANY friend (well except for a couple of friends) but when those people aren't there, don't see them everyday like I used to...it's just really weird. I guess it's cause friendships built in later parts of life, like in secondary school isn't as 'superficial' as those in primary school. it's more complicated with more feelings induced and there's a certain deeper degree of respect to that person and cherishing the relationship AND that friend. by the way, someone just messaged me but I'm really lazy to open up the sms, shall open it up later.

I'm not exactly sure if this is the right thing to do: being not even the slightest bothered by news that doesn't even concern myself, but delivered by a friend. worse,a close friend. take for example, friend A suddenly smses me in the middle of the night saying:

my pet dog is eating his dinner now, I bought a new can of dog food and he seems to like it ^_^

note, this is just a fictional sms and I don't think anyone in the world would do such a thing. but the point it, firstly why would I be interested in what A's dog is doing? do I have to know all the really, scrutinized teeny weeny details about something that is not even involving me at all? on one hand, I feel like smsing her "I don't care." but don't want to hurt her feelings right, especially if that pet really means to her? but then, what on earth do I reply?
now then comes the problem of "aiyah just don't reply lah!" but hello, if that person smses me in the middle of the night about that then surely there must be some feelings involved. he who has a stone heart will never succeed in life.

anyways, that huge chunk is just opinions and feelings on stuff that really happened and I've thought long and hard about it, even through my vacation in Indonesia (which was FABULOUS by the way.) I have 42 mosquito bites that haven't even healed, one ending up in a huge gash on my foot (which means I can't wear my favourite flats without a plaster D:) and all in ridiculous places like my eyelid, for goodness sake... but so many enriching experiences, oh yes. like walking through padi fields and seeing a huge python on the way, spending 6 plus hours in a car sleeping most of the time, and most importantly spending time with my awesome cousins :D cousins that write stories that are really superbly good, eat 24/7, stick with you all the time, scares with a gorilla head and sings Online by Saykoji but with wrong lyrics.

and ZE:A's My Only Wish MV came out! (: it's really nice and sweet. as quotes from someone on Youtube, they're mad popular in Japan. oh plus Love Letter MV. but I want them to release a Korean FULL album! DJ Masa's 2010 Kpop mixes are really fantastic, especially the first 2010 half mashup cause he used Taio Cruz's Break My Heart feat Ludacris as a 'base' (this will only be understood by listening to the mashup itself) and I really like the song. :D and I like MBLAQ's Running and Running.

and thank you to hoobae for helping me do a huge thing that's really important! hurry and come back from Cambodia okay?!

seriously, I should have gotten this back then.

happy birthday to Choi Sungmin, Co-Ed School's 'solid' maknae! ~알찬성민~

"today is whose birthday?"
"ONEW OPPA! SHINee's leader that is really adorable and super cute because of his smile plus his eye-smile plus he's got super smooth skin, and I really think that he's a responsible and awesome leader because he really cares about his younger members and he also sings wonderfully, you can distinguish his voice in the songs they sing and oh, he has a solo song called The Name I Loved and it's a very soothing ballad + he wrote the lyrics for Your Name which I'm sure is a happy-kind-of-song, the kind that I can listen while in a walk in the park or something and YUP he's MC with Minho for Music Core plus in Night Owl I think PLUS HE FREAKING LOVES CHICKEN cause my memory's kinda of rusty and I know that loads of people LOVE him like #manager-sshi and..."
"okay, I understand... -.-"

생일 축하 합니다 to SHINee's dubu leader Onew!

______________________________________________________


happy birthday to Park Yong Su/Kangho, Co-Ed School's 'hot blood' vocalist & rapper! ~열혈강호~

I'm still overseas by the way... so the reason as to why I managed to blog again is cause I'm at an internet cafe near my cousin's house, and time limit is one hour, so decided to do what I can do during this one hour, which includes blogging. (since twitter somehow can't work on this version of Internet :/ )

anyways, congrats to SHINee for winning their awards on Golden Disk! (: SHINee hwaiting! ^_^

oh but the birthday cards' not me who posted, it's my friend who did it for me, thank you SO MUCH, saranghaeyo!~ she's a really helpful friend who has done so much for me, so yup. oh, yesterday was SHINee Minho oppa and ZE:A Heechul oppa's birthdays! and I saw this post on WRS and there was this SUPER HOT pic of my ultimate bias, I like. :D

it's kind of boring here since I don't do much and not many people sms me. somemore I fell sick during the first week - I had a bad throat, followed by mild asthma, then flu, then fever, then diarrhoea. oh, and some dumb mosquito made two large mosquito bites on my forehead (of all things) and 3 on my cheek. aish but can't help it though, there's so many houseflies and mosquitoes here so I have to get used to the conditions here though.

OH BUT I GET TO WATCH BOYS OVER FLOWERS. though there's dubbing but, finally...

on the other hand, I tried riding a motorbike. 50% success ^_^
did psychological test, went shopping, bought Kpop magazines and comic books, did piano homework, watched TV... nothing much honestly. and I'll only be coming back on 26th, so there's a LOOOONG way to go.

can't wait to get Something That is Cheerful and Fresh and Love Letter! oh and a couple more of things that I forgot...

ah but who cares...

okay, my job for today is done. dinner's at Pizza Hut I think. (:

"today's who's birthday?"
"MINHO OPPA! My ultimate bias~ the flaming charisma of SHINee, whose real name is Choi Minho and he's the main rapper of SHINee that also can sing, it's just that not many people know it and I really think his voice is nice for serenades and he's WAYY TALL so that's why I want to wear insoles to make myself taller and oh wait, I really really LOVE his look in Lucifer, short hair YAY and he's also now in a drama called Pianist, is it? and I ship 2min, that's Minho and Taemin and they're super super ADORABLE especially in the Dream Team episode where Taemin just literally 'jumped' onto Minho and OH speaking of Dream Team, he can play so many sports, he's really talented in sports and that makes him more awesome, and..."
"okay, I get it -.-"

생일 축하 합니다 to SHINee's flaming charisma Minho!

___________________________________________________



happy birthday Heechul oppa! saengil chukha hamnida! (:

happy birthday Siwan oppa! saengil chukha hamnida! (:

Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.

—Lemony Snicket

oh by the way, just now I saw America's Got Talent, Season 5 at Channel 5 and saw this guy, freaking AWESOME.



but still, I'm stuck with this attitude for now. bl, bs. urgh, b*tch. sorry.

2AM - I Did Wrong

image taken by bethelightofthedark.tumblr.com .

must we end this way? what is wrong in our friendship, such that every single day I have to endure really stupid reactions and tears filled with disappointment?
do I have to break the ribbon, say it's over? because we're not the same as last time. I feel so alone, when we're around, it's like I might as well not be there. there's no difference. I want to just be accepted for WHO I am, not merely the exterior image that I display. I want to go one step further but I can't, I really can't!
I have to turn away right now, because it's really too late. I can't bear all the pain and scratches done to me and my feelings. worse, mainly by the same person.

It’s too late 다시한번 말해,
It’s too late 내앞에서 꺼져.

I've had enough.

happy birthday to Hyungshik oppa of ZE:A! saengil chukha hamnida!(:

decided to do a picture spam, though I'm really tired... watching Labu Labi at the same time, lol :P


I watched someone's cover of SHINee Hello and it was really GOOD :D so then I listened and watched the video and managed to figure all the notes! decided to write them on a book so that I won't forget (:


let's get started with some, Co-Ed pics! as promised I'm not going to put one, but TWO pictures of Co-Ed's maknae, Sungmin! this is during Bbiribbom Bbaeribbom MV, the Co-Ed MV that I MOST LIKE because of the song + MV concept. he's adorable in the photo! XD and I'd love to get the bear.


another pic of Sungmin oppa! fine sure he might look like dao or something, but when I first saw this pic, it was instant love ((:


my bias in Co-Ed, NOORI! :D started liking him in the Bbiribbom Bbaeribbom MV (: Idk, cause he really stands out? and I heard that he is a really sweet guy, think I saw one photo where he help Hyewon with her hair :D okay, this photo is kinda obscured...


...but, here's Noori oppa! I think he's very charismatic too (:


Wise Taewoon oppa, OMGOODNESS he seriously is freaking cute in the Bbiribbom Bbaeribbom MV, someday I'll post the MV yeah. (: I LOVE the part where he acts like a kukubandungbananahead in the beginning...


ZE:A! I'd love them to wear hanbok again, cause all of them look so adorable!! (: especially Dongjun, the maknae and one of my biases :D haha, it's like as though I've got something about maknaes?


2nd photo of my awesome ZE:A oppas :D again, I think Dongjun looks adorable, but so does Kwanghee oppa!


SHINee! saranghaeyo~ okay, fangirling one side. I really like this look, especially Key, he looks so PRO! and I also like the red coloured stuffed toy that Taemin and Minho are holding. (: wow I really like this look... that's why, Onew, you better cut your hair!


like my #Onew, extremely adorable. right? (:


Hello Hello, 나름대로 용길 냈어요 / Hello Hello, 잠시얘기 할래요 ((: I LOVE THE MV, so sweet!


it's small but WHO CARES? Jonghyun looks really nice and cute here. dinosaur mah (: his vocals are really really good, and he has a large vocal range... I like! can play the guitar too! not that I'm advertising him here, I just like people with musical backgrounds...(:


reflected here: my fondness for bears, BIG BEARS especially. I saw the white bear at a shop at Ang Mo Kio! really love to have it for my next birthday... it's really CUTE! and it's beside my ultimate bias, MINHO ♥♥ then Kevin™ can have company!

okay, think that's all for now! not sure if I posted enough pictures though. aish. just now I went to play badminton + many altered versions of catching and chasing that made my legs super super heavy and tired. but it was worth it, because I finally managed to beat Priyanka 10-7 I think, but that's another story ;)

my new three Kpop biases (:

~onew.jonghyun.key.minho.taemin~
~junyoung.taehun.kevin.kwanghee.siwan.heechul.minwoo.hyungshik.dongjun~
~soomi.chanmi.hyewon.hyoyoung.sungmin.taewoon.noori.kangho.kwanghaeng.yoosung~

SHINee, ZE:A, Co-Ed.

I WILL BE ON HIATUS.
until Idk. 12th? until the Os end.
I need to concentrate and focus, to get my 6 or 7 points for my L1R5.
plus, a little time off for myself and preparation.

ta.

stupid me, why did I do this. ~slaps head~
I'm just too full of myself, obsessed with one thing that I know I can't get no matter what.
so why in the entire world am I trying so, so hard to achieve an aim that I know I won't get there? why?
it's just plain dumb.
if I know that I can't get to the finishing line, why must I try? there are so many incidents where I've tried to get there, but it's really epic fail. and everytime this happens, I fall into that path, I cry my lungs out, I get a headache, I curse myself.
I'm really tired of fighting a losing battle. think I should restrain myself, and control myself. I'd better, before I make a fool of myself again... in front of someone that I don't want to.
curse me.
I can never get something, that something that one. or rather;
when I see that thing, my heart just yearns for that thing to be mine, maybe not forever, but for a long time maybe. because I know, that thing can't last, but I still want it. it's so precious, meaningful and has brought so much joy into my life. and I really love it, I really want it. but someone has already owned that thing, and all I have to do is stare at the window looking at that thing. which is so close, yet so far.
yet I must go away, I must leave that thing behind my sight, I must not look at it.
even though it takes a battle just to do one simple thing, I have no choice but to do it.
I'm just sick and tired of fighting the same thing again, I cry almost every single day because of it. and NO, it is NOT O Levels. I really want that thing but fate has pushed me out, I can't go against the laws of nature and fight back. I give up.
I wish I could just tell someone, that I'm really sick, I'm really tired of fighting this daily battle everyday and carrying this burden every day-I don't want. but I don't want to disturb anyone else who's concentrating on more important things that personal feelings.
so I shall be sick, and ill with this disease and carry on. even though it means literally eating myself up just to say sane. though I can't handle it, I have to unfortunately. maybe when the time comes, just maybe, I hope to see that thing and have it in my hands.
but wait.
I actually had that hope, I really did. but there was a friend of mine, who said words that completely, just... I don't know. it was the truth really. that I should concentrate, and leave that thing alone. so there I was, crying and crying because, that friend is actually the owner of the thing that I want. why, why can't I stare at it? it got me an emotional shock that I just got really tired on that day and emotionally drained. just really fatigueed. those are warning signals and yet I didn't follow.
curse me.
it's said that everyone walks alone on this path. I must say, it's true. there is a solution within me, and I can only pray and hope that it would come. because I emphasize again,
I'm really sick and tired. I give up trying to chase a thing that I will DEFINITELY not get.
so WHY do I still do the same thing again, and again? why am I just too clouded to see the truth? "oh wretched mortals, open your eyes!"

this all is actually just a simple thing that everyone has gone through their life. really. but I can't say it out loud but mask it behind stringy words and utter nonsensical blabber. and to write something really really long about it, is very rare. but it gives a few clues. one is that, it really takes up a lot of my life. I repeat, NOT O Levels. second is that, there is a deep meaning. and behind this mask I wear every single time I see that thing, when I walk by...
it's just the utter sadness, c'est vraiment triste, that I can't have that thing.

I don't know whether #Jonghyun will come here again. but to you,



♥, me.